Okay… um… Okay. Let’s do our best to hold our facetious applause until the end of this article. Out of sheer interest and boredom, I’ve decided to explore some of the weirdness surrounding the video game controllers developed by third-party companies. Not all controllers on this list are bad ideas as some are wacky good ideas! But for the most part, these will make you feel uncomfortable and molested just by looking at them…

With the first-party companies firmly grasping the patents on their controller’s designs, the various other accessory and hardware companies were tasked with creating a cooler and better “replica” of sorts. Other times, their controllers were crafted with hopes of being more user-friendly and more ergonomic. We’ll cover the variety here, and see what we see… unfortunately.

Creative 3DO Blaster Pad – 3DO

This weird yet gnarly looking controller was crafted by Creative Labs for the 3DO Interactive Multiplayer system. When I found this in my stash, I gotta tell ya… it wasn’t nearly as bad as I thought it would be. It has a futuristic space ship look to it but was not solely designed for sci-fi games. This controller can be used on ANY game, but that doesn’t mean that you should use it at all. It’s not the most ergonomic design I’ve ever seen and I can’t get past the awkwardness of holding it. I feel like my hands and thumbs are coming at the buttons from a weird top/side angle instead of a more comfortable bottom/side angle. Why the 3 action buttons are in a triangle shape is confusing… But I really enjoyed the “d-pad” hybrid and the way you can roll your thumb around, making 3D games much easier to play! Overall, this isn’t the worst on this list, but it sure as hell is weird.

QuickShot Joypad – Nintendo Entertainment System

… WTF! How do you even use this thing? This little piece of shit was designed to, um, make gaming better? From what I can tell, it’s supposed to simulate an arcade trackball style of play, but I don’t see it. Like, AT ALL. It’s extremely awkward and it feels foreign in my hands, or “hand,” I should say. The petite size and odd shape make it nearly impossible to use with both hands which is surely to make this “controller” a crowd favorite for paraplegic gamers and compulsive 8-bit masturbaters. Joking aside, you do need 2 hands to use this dumpy little thing that looks more like a communicator from the original Star Trek series than a controller. Truth be told, I don’t know how or why Bondwell (developers of all QuickShot controllers) was ever in business. This isn’t the last QuickShot piece you’ll see on here.

MadCatz Arcade Flight Stick – Nintendo 64

Why? WHY?! Ugh. I don’t recall the Nintendo 64 having all that many flight simulators… I mean, Pilotwings 64 was obviously one of the bigger named ones, but at what point did N64 owners get the burning need to pick up this arcade poop stick? Generally, it looks solid and sturdy, and I’m sure it operates exceptionally well. But what gets me is the button placement. Why are the c-buttons in a square shape and not a diamond like the regular controller? Good luck figuring out which one is up-c or down-c unless you have it memorized. The rest of the controller is pretty cool actually, but overall the very limited use of this controller doesn’t quite warrant the amount of space it takes up or its boring look! Just look at all that dead space.

QuickShot Flight Grip – NES

This controller sucks so bad, I actually wrote a full review on it before which you can read right here. I mean, I’m not even sure where to go with this one. Just look at it… It’s the most uncomfortable and awkward controller I’ve ever held. The slang term for this controller is the “handlebar,” which is a well justified name because of the way you grip the controller. The action buttons are separated with one on the front your right thumb and another on the back (like a trigger, almost) for your index finger. It’s just… Ugh. Why? I want to know what was happening in the brainstorming sessions. Was it opium? Hash? Crack? Please Bondwell. Let me know.

Power Joy

Power Joy photos used courtesy of Sam from Samz Asylum blog and The Vintage Gamers.

The Power Joy systems are a little odd. If I’ve ever seen one in real life, I definitely looked it over. These things are fucking hideous. It’s a “Famiclone” controller in which you can apparently actually put the game cartridge INTO the controller, and you can daisychain controllers to it. No more bulky systems! Only godawful controllers. They’re not all like that, but at least this one Nintendo 64 style controller is… and yes, it looks like the N64 Trident but it plays NES games…… WHAT?

These “systems” are 100% unauthorized, so you’re not likely to find them at places like GameStop or Walmart, but you might find them at an international flea market or a thrift store. I think the idea is great, but why on earth do they need to look SO fucking awful?! There’s more too… The whole concept of the Famiclone systems is simple, but the hardware as a whole is truly weird. A Super Famicom clone that looks like a race car? A Game Boy clone with like 7 buttons on the face? And so much more. If you get your hands on any of these, I say keep em! I hear some of them actually function better than the real deal!

HONORABLE MENTIONS

This is a weird weird looking controller but is not a 3rd party controller. It goes to the Amiga CD32 system. Nerd Bacon’s co-founder and former owner The Cubist had one of these systems, so I actually have real hands-on experience with it. Surprisingly, it feels kinda good in my hands. For decades we’ve been playing on controllers that have the little barbs that jut downwards, not upwards. A little odd. But I’m okay with it because it feels good… Even if it DOES look weird.

Hyperstick. This.

Much like the CD32 controller, this is NOT a third party device. But it is without a doubt a WTF device. Truth be told, these controllers have a much better ergonomic feel than you would expect. BUT, navigating your thumbs to the number pad has been and always will be a nightmare. There’s not a lot to like about the Atari Jaguar… and the controller is on that same list. See… you thought I was gonna say the controller isn’t one of them.

I dunno man. I dunno.

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What do y’all think? Did I miss any third party controllers?