*NOTE: While the 3DO Interactive Multiplayer hardware was built by multiple developers, Panasonic is typically the most popular of them all. So I will be referring to the system as the “Panasonic 3DO.”

Ladies and, probably mostly, Gentlemen, it’s time for a bit of a history lesson about the Panasonic 3DO. I’m not talking specs, or comparisons to other fifth generation systems, I’m here to talk about a shit load of porn. 3DO porn that is. I’m talking about porn-publisher-turned-game-developer Vivid Interactive and their wholesome library of crappy softcore FMV games for the 3DO that came out between 1994 and 1995. If you’ve ever heard of Plumbers Don’t Wear Ties, these games are much, much worse, which is why I thought this would be a fun topic to discuss, being that Nerd Bacon is all about obscure retro titles.

So, for the good of the Bacon, I’ve played through each of Vivid Interactive’s so called “games” and reviewed them so that no one else has to. This article will hopefully be something that everyone can look back on to laugh about the developer who practically ruined the Panasonic 3DO with a mindless slush of shit games. And their really tacky special effects engineers.

There are a number of pornos that Vivid Interactive meant to translate into games but never was able to, which means I don’t have to play them, thankfully. But for your reference, here’s the list of unreleased Vivid Interactive games for the 3DO, in case you’re curious and know someone with access to prototype games for the console.

• American Blonde
• Channel Blonde
• Cheating
• Hot Roxx
• Intimate Journey
• Naked Reunion
• Steamy Windows
• Voices in My Bed
• Winner Takes All

I have seen covers for Steamy Windows and Winner Takes All online, including on the backs of other Vivid games. The Virtual Vivid Sampler even contains short trailers for a few unreleased titles. You can read more about that below.

Please note, all of these 3DO games were emulated on my computer (with screenshots coming from those emulations). For this reason, Mind Teazzer is also not included in this article because it wouldn’t work on the emulator and I’m not wasting $56 on a copy of it. Since I didn’t play them all on a physical 3DO, I can’t really say much about any glitches and hardware problems regarding them, or even the controls.

*WARNING* MUST BE 18+ TO CONTINUE THE REST OF THIS ARTICLE.

Just as a final warning, this article is going to be talking about a series of pornographic games, with screenshots. So if you’re not partial to seeing pornographic images or you are a kiddie (AKA: Under the age of 18), you probably should avoid reading this. I’m not going to be held liable because someone’s kid found their way on here because they wanted to see a pair of boobs. So please, proceed at your own risk.

And really, all you’ll be missing is me talking about how horrible these FMV games are.

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Blonde Justice

Platform: Panasonic 3DO

Developer: Vivid Interactive

Publisher: Vivid Interactive

Release Date: 1994

Genre: FMV

Nerd Rating: 1.5 out of 10

Surprisingly, one of the only Vivid Interactive titles to have an actual plot. Blonde Justice revolves around a blonde stripper who keeps receiving death threats from someone (although they basically show you and tell you who at the beginning of the video). From the advice of her friend, fellow stripper, and fuck buddy, Kora, she finally goes to the police about these threats. A single woman police officer, also blonde, is put in charge of solving the case.

The blonde stripper, of course, ends up also banging the blonde police officer while she investigates. After showing a few clips of the two fucking, the police officer tells the stripper a new tidbit. First, she finds out that the last letter had to be written from the stage manager’s typewritter, then she suspects an illiterate bafoon named Snake, yet for some reason, she winds up still not knowing who could have possibly been sending those letters and just gives the stripper a handgun.

In the meantime, Kora, who seems to have some kind of obsession with the stripper, puts on her outfit along with a blonde wig and starts dancing alone on the stage after-hours. The stage manager, thinking that it’s the stripper armed with a hangun at her side, shoots her. Of course, the stripper and the police officer are both there to witness this and they throw the only conceivable suspect in jail.

While I do commend Vivid Interactive for including some kind of actual plot in this one, it’s a very crappily written one at that. In fact, you actually see the stage manager, that creepy dude with the ponytail, attacking the stripper right at the start of the video. The acting is pretty horrendous and it really only serves as an attempt to patch together why the stripper is banging all these random women. Of course, like all Vivid Interactive titles, poorly edited shots of other strippers stripping are cut together with scenes in the story. At least this time it makes a little bit of sense considering it’s a strip club and that would be happening at the same time.

It would’ve been nice however, if Vivid had just filmed the strippers on a regular stage instead of juxtaposing them to weird backdrops including what looks to be some sort of racing game similar to Pole Position.

While having sat through most of the other games before this one has made me think a little higher of it, Blonde Justice is still, like the others, a crappy FMV game for the 3DO. And sadly, no amount of actual plot can save it.

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Endlessly

Platform: Panasonic 3DO

Developer: Vivid Interactive

Publisher: Vivid Interactive

Release Date: 1995

Genre: FMV

Nerd Rating: 1.5 out of 10

Endlessly was the second from the Vivid Interactive 3DO library that I watched, and it was definitely an improvement over The Coven… which isn’t saying too much. This game, like The Coven, is split into three smaller movies. And like The Coven, it starts off with a chick walking to another chick’s house, this time it’s a brunette.

Endlessly‘s plot is a little easier to understand than The Coven‘s, but still loses me by the second half of the final movie. From what I picked up though, it has something to do with a brunette porn actress and her boyfriend. It looks like her profession is causing some issue with them. Beyond the intercut fireworks and other bullshit, there are a number of lines regarding life as a movie star which suggest she might not be too fond of it?

There’s also a blonde chick who I swear was in The Coven, who appears to be her co-star in one of her pornos. She doesn’t want the footage of I guess her and the brunette banging to be released because she’ll “be hounded.” I’m not sure if she actually kills the brunette in the end or what, as the video makes it pretty difficult to understand what’s supposed to be reality and what’s part of their porno.

Like The Coven, there’s no real gameplay here, all you do is select chapters to watch. The graphics are also amazingly shitty as well as the special effects. The special effects aren’t as cheesy as The Coven, but they’re pretty awful nonetheless.

While it’s a terrible game, it’s much better than The Coven by a long-shot.

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Immortal Desire

Platform: Panasonic 3DO

Developer: Vivid Interactive

Publisher: Vivid Interactive

Release Date: 1994

Genre: FMV

Nerd Rating: 1.5 out of 10

When I began Immortal Desire I was so happy because it was the final Vivid Interactive game that I would ever have to play. I had specifically saved it for last because from the previews of it, it appeared to have some sort of story, like Blonde Justice. This time it’s an actual love story and some immortality. If it were an actual movie and not a shitty FMV game, it may have actually been decent.

Essentially, the story begins in 1692 with two lovers, Anna of Gables and Gabriel, who intend to love one another forever. Anna, however, doesn’t want to get old and die, so she goes to a sorceress, who happens to be the only black woman in any of the Vivid Interactive games, to create a potion that will make her immortal. It doesn’t explicitly say it, but the game seems to suggest that Anna has lost her memory or been made to assume new identity. For some reason Gabriel also becomes immortal, even though he never took the potion, and spends his life looking for Anna.

Fastforward to 1993 in Los Angeles. Gabriel goes to what I assume is a nightclub and meets a woman named Julia who is intent on becoming a nurse. He tells Julia that he knew her grandmother Julie, who was a nurse during World War I, as she saved one of his best friends.

I’m not sure what the point of this subplot is, but it then rewinds to France in 1914, where Gabriel is assumedly in the army. One of his friends is injured and being taken care of by a blonde nurse named Julie. It almost seems like a nice beautiful moment, but Vivid destroys it with an absurd sex scene involving Julie banging the injured soldier on his bed……while he was injured. It’s not only absolutely pointless, but it’s the last time we hear of Julie or Julia again.

Then back in Los Angeles, Gabriel has magically found Anna at another club and a series of jumpcuts between past and present follow in an attempt to explain this bizarre story. Then of course, Gabriel and Anna bang twice and when they awaken, they’re both old and crumbly. Which I assume means that true love or whatever breaks the power of the immortality potion?

From all of the screenshots I’ve taken of this game, it almost appears as though Immortal Desire is a really fantastic FMV. It could have been, it could have even been a decent 3DO game, but it’s not. Vivid’s tried and true cheesiness even manages to fuck up what is probably their best and only decent story. To make matters even worse, Immortal Desire was apparently the first of Vivid Interactive’s 3DO games (with Supermodels Go Wild as the second and Sex as the last).

Maybe it’s a good thing Vivid doesn’t make games anymore.

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Love Bites

Platform: Panasonic 3DO

Developer: Vivid Interactive

Publisher: Vivid Interactive

Release Date: 1995

Genre: FMV

Nerd Rating: 0.5 out of 10

By this point I thought I had seen everything Vivid Interactive could possibly cheese up. But I didn’t think this time that they would bring Nosferatu into this. In, what is essentially every other Vivid Interactive game to date, but with the actresses dressed as vampires instead of just strippers, Vivid brings you another crapfest of jumpcut images being pasted together over and over. In fact, if I have to see that same shot of a bat taking off from the ground anymore, I think I might throw my monitor out the window.

There’s this really strange series of voiceovers and such going on that don’t make any sense. And although the opening credits say that this game has an original score, most of the soundtrack seems to be stolen from real gothic horror movies, probably Nosferatu.

The only really positive thing I can say here is that they do a halfway decent job of creating a horror movie atmosphere for the game. Of course, this is mostly done by taking clips of Nosferatu and sprinkling them around whenever. This game also gives you the name of the editor, aka the dipshit who put these piece of crap clips together, Faith…..probably a pornstar.

Did I also mention that there’s also a girl dressed up as a Vampire Bat with an accompanying song?

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Sex

Platform: Panasonic 3DO

Developer: Vivid Interactive

Publisher: Vivid Interactive

Release Date: 1995

Genre: FMV

Nerd Rating: 1.5 out of 10

Probably one of the better of all of Vivid Interactive’s games (that’s still not saying much), here’s Sex. I guess by this point Vivid didn’t care to even come up with another cheesy title so they kept things simple. In actuality, this game should be called Nerd Boner, since the game revolves around this creepy nerd who has an obsession with his secretary. Luckily, all of his friends have buxom blonde girlfriends which, for some reason, they show banging during the movies. There’s a specific scene in which the creepy nerd is looking at his secretary and imagines her walking on the beach with him, then he imagines himself to be a hot dude banging her, putting ice cubes up her butt, and even banging her in the mirror of a bathroom where we have an example of some pretty crafty product placement for Vaseline.

Vivid Interactive also gives themself a nice pat on the back by throwing in footage from Endlessly into this one. One of the scenes includes the creepy nerd watching it, but all five of the clips on this one are just littered them. And, like all Vivid Interactive films, this one includes many of the same clips repeatedly reused over and over. I don’t really understand the point of it, but I guess they didn’t have a large enough budget to film the same few porn actresses stripping in different poses. There are also tons of incredibly pointless shots just thrown in there, like a guy rubbing suntan lotion on a chick, a guy standing with a frying pan and apron, and sometimes, multiple pointless clips are tossed right ontop of one another in the crappiest fashion possible.

Putting aside the fact that all of Vivid Interactive’s games objectify women, this is one of the only ones where they finally throw us ladies a bone by including a semi-hot guy for once…for a few minutes. Then it’s back to the girl on girl romps replayed over and over.

However, this one left me really confused, because the description on the back of the box of Sex gave this synopsis;

“How do office politics and sex mix? Let Nikki Dial, P.J. Sparxx, and Crystal Wilder show you how they got ahead in a man’s world.”

Well, that sure doesn’t explain shit.

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Supermodels Go Wild

Platform: Panasonic 3DO

Developer: Vivid Interactive

Publisher: Vivid Interactive

Release Date: 1994

Genre: FMV

Nerd Rating: 0.5 out of 10

I honestly don’t think this game should be on the list, or even as a game at all. Don’t let the title fool you, this isn’t about supermodels ripping their shirts off and banging each other or anything else you’re probably accustomed to from these terrible Vivid Interactive 3DO title by now. These supermodels are literally going to the wild. That’s right, this is a FMV of just clips of supermodels hanging out in the wild in bikinis. It’s that fucking stupid.

I honestly can’t even begin to explain how stupid Supermodels Go Wild was. There was an entire, like three minute clip of just this one girl in a black bikini climbing around a cliff. That was it. Just a supermodel climbing a cliff. I really want to know who came up with the idea to make this stupid shit. Another clip was just of another supermodel twirling around a beach (with a camera guy even in the shot). The final clip had the group of adventurous supermodels on a boat, on bikes, and even checking a map.

Shoot me.

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The Coven

Platform: Panasonic 3DO

Developer: Vivid Interactive

Publisher: Vivid Interactive

Release Date: 1994

Genre: FMV

Nerd Rating: 0.5 out of 10

Oh boy, the first Vivid Interactive game I ever played, The Coven. This one introduced me to how terribly awful this developer’s games were in terms of not only actual gameplay, but the film themselves. The porn in this one, the few scenes there actually are I mean, are extremely short and some are just plain weird. Most of the game contains cuts to this one scene of a bunch of characters dancing by this bonfire, I’ve tried really hard to understand why, but I just can’t.

The plot of this one is really difficult to catch. I mean, from the title it’s something about some witch coven, so I guess that explains all the weird ass dancing. The game is split into three chapters which equal up to roughly a half hour, which is much more tolerable than Blonde Justice. Anyway, the first chapter starts off with some blonde chick walking up to another blonde chick’s apartment to ask if she’s looking for a roomate. Then it cuts to naked witches, naked witches on brooms, naked witches humping brooms, then bacon. The second blonde chick from the beginning of the game is making bacon, she bangs her boyfriend then argues with him, more intercut naked witches, and a trash bag is dumped from a window.

Chapter two starts with some women fucking each other, then the two blonde roomies go hangout at the beach, then they fuck each other on the roof, then more random intercut naked witches. And the last chapter, chapter 3 is all naked witches cut with black and white footage of naked witches dancing around a bonfire. And if you’re really desperate, you can watch the coming attractions at the end.

Like Plumbers Don’t Wear Ties, the quality of the graphics and video of this game is just poor. In fact, the whole menu looks like a slideshow. The so called special effects in The Coven are extremely cheesy, and I don’t think anyone could be aroused by this game at all. Since all this game is is a set of three crappily edited videos, the only gameplay you can look forward to is changing chapters.

There’s nothing positive to say about The Coven except it runs, and that isn’t really positive in itself, except the bacon.

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Virtual Vivid Sampler

Platform: Panasonic 3DO

Developer: Vivid Interactive

Publisher: Vivid Interactive

Release Date: 1994

Genre: FMV Compilation

Nerd Rating: 0.5 out of 10

The Virtual Vivid Sampler is, as one would assume, just a sampler of clips from a number of Vivid’s films. This includes those that were released on the 3DO like Blonde Justice, The Coven, and Love Bites, as well as some unreleased ones like Cheating, Mask, and Parlor Games. There’s nothing special to these short demos, you just get to see some clips cut together of Vivid Interactive’s lastest and greatest. I’ll have to admit though, Cheating‘s sample made it look to be a decent drama film. But let’s be honest with ourselves here, it probably isn’t.

If anything, this short sampler of Vivid Interactive FMV titles should have saved people tons of money by showing them how crappy these games were. I mean, c’mon, women flying around on giant CDs in the most horrifically bad special effects I’ve ever seen? How could anyone not notice the extremely poor quality of games Vivid was throwing at them here.

Maybe it’s just me, but I’m not impressed.

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So that, folks concludes our history lesson on Vivid Interactive’s series of poorly crafted 3DO games. It’s simply amazing how much crap can be released by a single company over the course of two years.

If your eyes haven’t burned out from the stupidity, feel free to leave a comment below. Otherwise, I’m going to forget I ever played any of these and resume doing what I do best – criticizing children’s games.