Platform: Sega Genesis

Developer: Johnson-Voorsanger Productions

Publisher: SEGA

Release Date (NA): 1991

Genre: Action

Nerd Rating: 6 out of 10

It was only a matter of time before I took on a review of Toejam & Earl. However, this was not an evaluation I should have ever drafted in haste. Toejam & Earl is a game that required time; I had to age my experience with this one like a fine wine so its true flavors could register upon my analytical tongue. Because upon first sip, the game is delicious. It truly is. But as you continue to feast upon its shiny exterior, you start recognizing a pattern – something that’s not quite right. Like when you go out to dinner and order a meal. Initially, you are very impressed. “Wow,” you say. “The flavor is rich and unexpected. I’m so very glad I ordered such a delicate dish.” But the more you eat and the more the flavors have a chance to saturate your taste buds, the more you begin to question your initial impression. As you soldier through, with portions diminishing on your plate, you lie to yourself. You tell yourself that you are still enjoying the food – that it’s great. But all the while, you know the truth deep down. And it isn’t until all the contents are in your stomach that you have the heart to embrace reality:

It really wasn’t that good.

On the drive home, your head is disturbed with thoughts of regret. You meditate on your meal and realize the entire experience was empty, meaningless. From there, the dark thoughts return and you wonder what the point is of continuing to liv-

Whoaa!! Caught myself on a tangent there. Anyway…

Toejam & Earl is kind of like that disappointing meal, only, well, maybe not as dramatic. In fact, I still appreciate the game for what it is. I think it’s great in most aspects, and it’s still a title I value in my collection. I’ll even go so far as to say I will continue to play it and hopefully beat it, though truth be told, I’ll likely never add this one to my list of completed games.

The thing is, Toejam & Earl is a very quirky, innovative game. But it’s the things that make it great that ultimately damn it to mediocrity. And it had to take many, many runs to realize that every time I pop this one in, I can only play it for so long before I run out of patience, turning great excitement and fun into boredom and dread.

Toejam & Earl puts you in a story revolving around the titular characters crashing on a strange, artistic fever dream interpretation of earth, which is broken up into several disjointed terrestrial planes floating aimlessly in space. The two alien friends must recover all pieces of their ship in order to return to their home planet, Funkotron.

It’s a fairly standard plot you’d later find in games such as the Pikmin series, though what stands out is the undeniable style and unusual gameplay.

Our heroes, Toejam and Earl, are the very epitome of 90s attitude. They talk to each other using hip slang and lingo amidst backdrops and music that are almost too 90s to be true. But they are true, as the game was released in 1991. The characters, terrain, objects, and other elements are so strange and imaginative, you can smell the outrageousness of that decade emanating from your tube TV. It’s a bona fide delight to watch everything that takes place on the glowing screen before you.

You and a friend control the two aliens in their quest to recover ship parts. Beginning on a hub stage to accustom yourself with the mechanics, you’ll find several wrapped presents lying around. Collect these mysterious boxes and then head to the elevator, which will take you to the first level.

Each level works like this. You wander around, slowly revealing more of the map as you search for an elevator and sometimes a ship piece (you will be alerted at the top of a level if there’s a ship piece to be found). There will be a ton of rambling where you’ll encounter plenty of presents in different shapes, colors, and patterns, all containing items that can help (but also hinder) you in your journey. When you go to the menu, the contents of the presents (aside from the two Bonus High Tops that start you off) are a mystery until you open them. From that point on you’ll always know what’s in the type of box you opened – unless you unwrap a randomizer, which well, I think is fairly self-explanatory.

You’ll also encounter “Earthlings” (the bad guys), strange NPCs (A walking carrot who can tell you what’s in a present, Santa wearing a jetpack, etc.), bucks, food, bodies of water, and other variations of terrain and hazards. You’ll have to dive into those presents hoping you can unwrap a useful item to fend off the Earthlings because both Toejam and Earl can do nothing but walk, sneak, and look oh so cool. So you’ll spend a lot of time mashing that D-pad hoping to maneuver around these dangerous foes. Some are easier to outrun than others, and if you find a paved road, you can move significantly faster than you can on regular terrain.

As you traverse this strange interpretation of earth, you’ll find that sometimes what appears to be a dead-end will mysteriously sprawl out into a new path. You will often explore every corner of the plane before you find both the ship piece and elevator, so get ready for a lot of wandering. And bring your most comfortable pair of sneaks!

From what you’ve read, this probably seems like a pretty interesting experience. Something you’d like to try.

And you should. But herein lies the problem…

Toejam & Earl is slooooooow. Even Toejam, the three-legged trotter, is pretty fricken slow. At first, this is fine. But most levels you’ll be looking only for an elevator, as ship pieces are rare to come by. So not only is your character sluggish, but your progress will be even slower. After a while, reaching a stage without seeing “Hint: Ship Piece Here” will wear on your soul. Spending your time looking only for an elevator begins to feel like a waste. You accomplish nothing for several stages with only the mildest promise that the next floor will have a part, which would allow you to inch further along. And to make matters even worse, you can fall off the plane, sending you to the previous level. While this may seem unlikely since your character will teeter on the edge for a bit before falling (allowing you time to move away from said edge before it’s too late), there are enough enemies that will push you off to make this a more common occurrence than you’d expect. And let me tell you, this is a fate worse than death. It’ll usually dump you far away from the elevator, forcing you to slog back through all the bullshit to return to the plane from which you fell.

It sucks.

A big plus is that the two-player mode has a great split-screen setup, albeit somewhat imperfectly executed. The screen starts off as one with both characters together. Whenever they part ways, it switches to split-screen, allowing limitless freedom to roam wherever you please. And when you reunite with your partner, the screen becomes one again with the two aliens greeting each other. It’s quite fun and fresh, as I have no other examples that come to mind where you are not tethered to your co-player the entire time through single-screen, nor are you always forced to play the game split-screen. While I do love this feature, the transition from one to the other is a little slow, becoming quite annoying if the two of you keep parting ways and reuniting. That won’t happen often, but it’s a pain each and every time the screen splits off or comes together.

So as you can see, a game that on the surface is very different and intriguing will soon enough become a chore to play. And every time I get space from Toejam & Earl, I become excited to try again and attempt to beat it. But I’ve now realized that while the game is superficially great with a lot going for it, ultimately it’s a fairly boring and unfulfilling experience. And I don’t know how to fix that.

The game’s very nature – being a treasure hunt of sorts – where you can only combat enemies by opening mystery boxes, is part of the problem. It’s a great premise, but it’s very redundant. If you found parts faster, the game would probably be too short and easy. If the characters had weapons, you’d lose the unique method of attacks/defense. While new elements and enemies are added to the terrain to increase difficulty, there’s only so much variety they can insert into a game like this. You will get tired of seeing the same stages with only slight variations over and over again.

There are two modes: Random World and Fixed World. Neither seems to be any faster than the other – it’s simply a difference in how the levels are generated.

The music is enjoyable and funky, perfectly driving the game’s style. But after playing long enough, it will begin to feed into the madness, as there are only so many tunes. It’ll underscore your feelings of anxiousness and your desire to shut the game off.

I cannot deny that Toejam & Earl is indeed a worthy and classic part of the Genesis library. I think it’s an important game to play for any Genesis enthusiast/collector. It’s got merit. A whole lot of merit. But it’s almost as repetitive as this review. I mean, I want this game to be fun. I want to enjoy it like that $20 pasta dish that’s “just okay.” But it is a pain in the ass to play. And forget about single-player mode. I have never, nor will I ever, have any inclination to play this one solo. If it’s slow and boring with a friend, imagine how agonizing it’d be by yourself.

Toejam & Earl. I tried to like you. I thought I did. I considered you one of the great Genesis classics. But I had to come to terms with the truth. I had to admit to myself what I was too afraid to admit before. You’re cool, you’re a great idea, but you’re not a good game.