Welcome to 2020. Nothing is normal, and everything is weird. This is evidenced by Sega’s efforts in the Year of the Fighting Cock, 2020. Okay, maybe this isn’t the Year of the Fighting Cock, but it feels like it should be. Murders. Riots. Efforts to normalize pedophilia. Etc. Trump is still orange, so that’s not really news. But I digress. It’s a truly odd time to be alive. And that’s not the only thing that’s weird. Sega, as up-and-down a company as they come, has had a stellar year in terms of media-hype, creativity, and content. So let’s dive into some of what they’ve done in 2020 and what we maybe want from them in the future. In no particular order, I will talk randomly about some of the cool stuff Sega has done this year because fuck it. Why not?

One thing that’ll git ya all simultaneously excited and annoyed is Sega news in 2020. Excited because hey, it’s Sega news! Annoyed because the “news” has been some random website announcing that Sega is going to make an announcement. Oh shit, did I do that (queue Steve Urkel voice)? I definitely did. Damnit, I’m THAT guy, now. I digress. There’s been more news about upcoming announcements than actual announcements. Currently, we’re awaiting news on what Sega has in store for 2021, Sonic’s 30th birthday! Current speculation is: numerous new games. Hopefully they’ve improved on quality over what we’ve gotten the last 20 years.

Sega is str8 up crushin’ the mother-lovin’ retro game this year with offerings like the weirder-than-can-be-believed Game Gear Micro, Astro City Mini arcades, ongoing Genesis Classic, and much more. Let’s talk Game Gear shit because fuck you, I’m feeling saucy. These little Game Gears may not be hot in America, if they’re hot anywhere to that matter, but they sure do look cool. I’m not necessarily interested in its offerings for anything other than collection purposes. It’s expensive as all get-out at nearly $50 each (with 4 units available for purchase). But it absolutely oozes 90’s excitement with a hint of Tamagotchi aboard this retro ship. Playing a game on a portable system smaller than your already tiny dick doesn’t sound that enticing.

Although the Genesis classic mini thingy isn’t new to 2020, AKA The Year of the Shitshow, it seems to be a hot and still-popular miniature console. I’m unconvinced on its longterm viability (beyond 2020, that is). I’m actually not even sure it’s selling that well today – future be damned. I mean, sure, it probably is. But that’s only because it can almost always be found ON SALE! There’s something odd about an item that is always on sale, especially from a company that seems to consistently have brand-power issues. When I see the Genesis Mini on sale (which seems like always), I can’t help but think it’s because they’re struggling to move units. I could be wrong, but history tends to agree with me. And plus, I’m always right. So fuck you. (I told you I was feeling saucy… big whoop, you wanna fydaboudit)

Next up we have the Astro City Mini system which is, um, what? This is another miniature retro Sega console that is shaped like an arcade cabinet and houses a tiny screen and some buttons. It has 36 built-in games to play, many of which are arcade games I believe! It’s still undetermined if this tiny whatchafuckincallit thingy will be available in the States, but it is, as of right now, only going to be sold in Japan. I’m sure this is cool, but I guess I’m a bit of a traditionalist and I’d really rather just play my games either on a real gaming console or a portable system. I don’t want much of anything to do with these super tiny screens and tiny buttons to play my games. It’s not even close to ergonomic or convenient, so it’s not enjoyable. The concept is fun and all, but the price point screams “cheap game system” first and “toy” second.

Overall, Sega has dropped other news in 2020, AKA The Year of Everyone Getting Fisted. Some shit about “fogging” where they use their Japanese arcades during down time to boost bandwidth in other places or something. I dunno. It’s weird. And I think PSO 2 has been talked about. A new Yakuza. Some Monkey Balls. Beer. And I heard someone say something about a Shenmue TV series, which is … FUCKING AWESOME! The only thing missing from Sega this year is some love for Saturn and Dreamcast game remasters. Read below to hear me rant about that shit…

… So, I’m a huge Sega fan. Who woulda guessed – 700 words into this article and you’re just NOW figuring that out? Anyway douchebag, let’s keep reading. I’m a Sega fan. Sega is kinda cool, and they kinda suck. I know. But I love em, no matter what. So suck my ass if you have a problem with that. Anyway… *chill out saucy writer, breathe, breathe… woooooo… okay I’m good* … Sega is doing some cool stuff, but I can’t help but feel like they are over-saturating the market with their 8 and 16 bit retro offerings. We all love the Genesis / Mega-Drive. We all love Sega’s arcade games. But…

But… HEY SEGA… WE GET IT! Your early 90s stuff was REALLY cool! But c’mon… How many different compilations do we need? How many different ways do I need to own Flicky, Columns, and Bonanza Brothers? How about we get something DIFFERENT? Something unique? Something like the baller Panzer Dragoon Remake yall made?! Can we get more Saturn and Dreamcast games remade and re-released on newer systems? Jet Grind Radio? Samba De Amigo? Nights into Dreams? Whatever happened to Sega Rally Championship and Virtua Cop?? Just, *sigh* c’mon. Instead of making mini-console-toys that make people go “oh man, that’s kinda cool. I think…” How about you drop an absolute BOMB that’ll make Saturn and Dreamcast fans absolutely shit… a… brick?

I believe in you Sega! You’ve failed me before, LOL, but I’ve stayed true to you. Sure, maybe I’ve cheated a little. I had an affair with the 360 for a while when I was with Dom n’ Marcus destroying Locusts. And I also have to come clean… I fucked Captain Toad while tracking down treasure. So I’ve cheated a few times. But why you gotta bring up old shit? I’m talking about 2021 and beyond. Let’s see you drop something big and really get us excited. Don’t forget your western audience please!

On a more serious note, I’m so thankful for everything you do! I love you Sega! Show me your tits.

Sincerely,

A Sega Fan