Platform: Sega Saturn

Developer: Digital Pictures

Publisher: Digital Pictures

Release Date (NA): 1995

Genre: FMV, Sports

Nerd Rating: 3 out of 10

Reviewed by Nerdberry

Following in the wake of Super Bowl XLVIII (quite possibly one of the worst Super Bowls ever, unless you live in Washington state), I thought I would dig into a football game that I’ve had around for a while. No, it’s not a Madden game. Nope, not a 2K game either. This is an unusual title I came across at a yard sale and felt oddly compelled to snatch it up. Nobody buys sports games for old systems… unless it’s Tecmo Bowl for NES. But that’s a different animal altogether. I’m talking about all the NBA Lives out there. Or all the Maddens from the ‘90s. Nobody buys those! They’re antiquated and feature forgotten outdated rosters and game mechanics alike. But then, one day, somebody said Let’s make a football game but let’s make it a full-motion-video (FMV) football simulator instead! Thus the abominable Quarterback Attack: The Professional Quarterback Simulator was born.

Quarterback Attack ain’t no Madden 25, y’all. This ain’t no traditional football game at all. This is a simulator! Teaching you how to throw the long ball and look off the free safety so you can free up that deep post-corner route. I know what you’re thinking… Why would I ever want to play this? And I’ll tell you why… Because Mike Ditka yells directly at your face the entire time. No, folks. Seriously though… Even Mike can’t help this game out.

Quarterback Attack takes your conventional football video game and turns it on its head. No longer are you playing as the receiver, the linebacker, or the running back. You are solely a quarterback and your job is to manage your offense and win the big game. Failing to acquire any rights from the NFL, Quarterback Attack is plainly Visitor vs. Home for the entire game. All of those mid-90s players you  fell in love with, like Troy Aikmen or Brett Fav… Far… um, Favvvraaa…? Oh, it sounds like FARVE… Yeah, that guy. All of those popular-named Quarterbacks are replaced with no-name pansy football actors.

Brought to you by the geniuses at Digital Pictures (the same masterminds who brought you all of the classic and timeless Sega CD titles you remember such as Corpse Killer, Ground Zero Texas, Sewer Shark and more), Quarterback Attack would be one of the very few FMV games released for the Sega Saturn. Despite the complete failure of the FMV genre on previous systems, this pukeshit combo of a game made its way onto the “next gen” system of the time: the Sega Saturn.

Quarterback Attack features multiple skill levels suited for gamers of all abilities. These skill levels go from Junior, to Junior Varsity, to Varsity, to College, to Semi-pro, and finally Professional. Choose your difficulty and make your way to the kickoff. Instantly you’ll feel a rush of confusion, disappointment, and anger all littered with a heavy dose of WHAT THE FUCK! You literally have no control over anything except the play-calling, pre-snap audibles, and who you throw the ball to. The play-calls in the huddle are broken up into 4 categories: Run, Pass, Punt, and Field Goal. Passing is the only one worth doing because it’s the only way you’ll get to actually play Quarterback Attack. But if you want to win, you’ll have to perform all of these other various plays that don’t involve you beyond simply hiking the ball. So if you choose to run the ball, all you control is the hike, then you have to watch high-quality high-resolution high-definition FMV footage of some running back running 2 yards, forcing you to pass on the next play anyway.

Each play is a pre-recorded simulation, and they’re chockfull of continuity errors, such as throwing the ball to #80 and then when they do the cutscene, that player receiving the ball is #82. Once the ball is snapped, the quarterback sits in the pocket and does nothing, so it is up to you to prompt his downfield vision. You can press a random button and it will switch from a third-person perspective to a first-person perspective where you will see the receiver running his route and you have a cursor that you need to move to the right spot in order to complete the pass. Once you pass the ball, all you can do is sit back and watch the play unfold in front of you. In reality, this is exactly how it would be for a quarterback in real life… but nobody wants to play as JUST the quatertback! It’s a video game!

There are so many problems with Quarterback Attack that make this game nearly unplayable. The buttons are responsive and work just fine. The graphics are of the shitty grain variety that the FMV genre was so notorious for. And the acting is cheesy and funny at times but horrid in other times. But there are no redeeming qualities whatsoever in Quarterback Attack. It almost makes no difference what play you call in the huddle because the receivers are always running something completely different. One time my receiver did an inside post and I accidentally threw it about 15 yards to his outside shoulder. When the game switched over to the pre-recorded video, he caught the damn ball! It was an impossible feat, but damnit he needs MVP honors for such incredible athleticism!

Hey stud muffin… got any cheeseburgers?

Iron Mike Ditka makes many appearances in Quarterback Attack. Whether in the locker room when he’s throwing a chair against a chalkboard (yes, times have changed since the days of actual chalk on chalkboards) or on the sidelines when he’s trying to get you excited about the next set of downs. But unfortunately he’s not nearly as angry or tough as someone with the reputation he earned. I get it that they were trying to develop a game for all ages, but come on folks. This is Iron Mike Ditka.

Overall, Quarterback Attack lacks any diversity in gameplay and is entirely too scripted to enjoy. There is little to no variety in options and it’s just you versus the same crappy team over and over. It feels more like pressing the PLAY button on your DVD remote than actually playing a video game. Any chances of ingenuity were decimated at the first mention of making this game an FMV game. Perhaps if an effort were made to put a quarterback simulator WITHIN a new Madden game, some folks could enjoy it. I personally feel that Digital Pictures didn’t quite understand what the public wanted. FMV games already proved to be unviable, yet they wanted to forge forward with this shitty game anyway. Not the worst concept, by any means. But not a fully sound concept, either. Quarterback Attack is more like a turd-sandwich attack. It’s got all the right looks on the outside, but once you take a bite, it’s just pure doo-doo.

Daaaaaaaa bears.

Nerd Rating: 3 out of 10

Reviewed by Nerdberry