Platform: Virtual Boy

Developer: Saffire Corporation, Nintendo IRD

Publisher: Nintendo

Release Date (NA): February 26th, 1996

Genre: Sports

Nerd Rating: 3.5 out of 10

After a long, sinister silence and hastened breath, the seal broke, allowing light to filter through the crack. As his face pulled away from the oppressor – a welcome respite from the brief but veritable hell he had endured – our hero finally began to regain consciousness.

“Where am I,” he thought to himself, as the harsh light that was once blinding became a friendly reminder he was not dead. Not yet, anyway.

“How much time has passed? Has it been weeks? Months? Could it have been years?”

A feeble hand grazed his tense jaw, feeling the bristle upon his face. Not enough time to cultivate anything beyond light stubble. A few hours, perhaps – he did surmise.

As he straightened his twisted spine and uncrossed his forlorn legs, the sight of his oppressor came into focus.

That’s right folks…another Virtual Boy review

He groped the contraption that stood mockingly before him until the subject of his misery was pulled free from the oppressor. In that moment, the nightmare he had faced quickly surfaced from his tattered memory. A horror too great to be real.

Nester’s Funky Bowling!

Alright, cue the lights. I think I’ve sufficiently set the scene here.

So, Nester’s Funky Bowling, eh? Could it get any more foolish than this?

Nester’s “Fuck Me” Bowling is…bland. That’s all I can really say about it. It’s not as horrible as I’ve led you to believe…at least in theory. But I am determined to set forth a strong argument as to why this ordinary bowling game is so offensive. Let’s start with Nester himself.

Nester is a character from Nintendo Power.

What? You mean you already learned all this from the Angry Video Game Nerd?

Well then, you must know this was Nester’s first…and last starring role in a video game. Gee, I wonder why.

I’m just gonna come out and say it – Nester is a fucking douche. I’ve played several bowling video games in my day. It’s not uncommon for a character to have a number of reactions in response to his or her performance. And in my experience, I have never seen such a bad sport.

That punk will throw a fit no matter what he bowls unless it’s a spare or a strike (oddly enough he will rejoice after bowling a spare, but not a strike). I don’t know why it bothers me so much, but controlling such a fucking child really gets on my nerves. I think it’s the arrogance that kills me. I mean, who the fuck does this Nester guy think he is?

Okay. With that out of the way, on to the actual review.

Nester’s “I Got A Rash” Bowling is a fairly harmless game (unless you consider physical and emotional pain “harmful.”) It’s a bowling game. That’s it. And a very basic one at that. Seriously. I had a Rayman bowling game on my old Nokia phone back in 2004 that was as sophisticated as this.

In previous reviews of Virtual Boy games, I’ve mentioned how I don’t have a problem staring into the void for hours at a time. What does get to me, however, is my back.

No matter how I play, this system will twist my spine into a pretzel. So while Nester’s “I Don’t Love You Anymore,” Bowling is just an average bowling game, factor in the physical hardship involved and the result is a bad game.

The one and only thing Nester’s “Can I See Your License And Registration,” Bowling has going for it is the pseudo-3D graphics courtesy of the Virtual Boy’s hardware. And boy, it’s…ehhh…pretty unnoticeable. I mean, the visuals are kind of 3D, but the effect will fall to the back of your consciousness after .0035 seconds of playing. Let’s just say it’s a problem when the Nintendo logo offers the most impressive display of 3D in the game.

What else can I say? Anything positive? Not really.

The controls are about as stripped down as they come. You move Nester left or right, hit a button to set your angle, then hit it again for speed.

I personally found it exceedingly difficult to get a strike. Maybe that’s why Nester overreacts so much.

The graphics and animated cutscenes are about what you’d expect. And there isn’t much in terms of supplementary content. Just bowling.

In addition to single-player, you have a 2-player mode and a challenge mode. And a practice mode, but it’s absolutely pointless.

The challenge mode simply gives you different pin patterns.

-Yawn-

2-player mode uses the one controller, which you’d pass to the other person between turns. There’s really nothing to say here except you may want to stick to single player, because you probably won’t have friends anymore if you invite them over to play Nester’s “Where Were You On the Night Of June 6th,” Bowling.

I was going to complain about how this game features his sister but only allows you to play as Nester – even in 2-player mode…but it turns out I was wrong. A little bit of quick internet research revealed that you can play as either Nester or his twin sister “Hester.” I’m glad we at least have an alternative to the titular character, though she is just as bad a sport as her brother.

Oh yeah, another thing I figured out after my initial play-through is you can select the size of your ball.

Look, I’m sure it makes a big difference. But I’m not going to put myself through more Nester’s “My Finger Just Broke Through The Toilet Paper,” Bowling to find out.

The Virtual Boy has stereo sound that immerses you in the action. While you might hope you could at least enjoy the soundtrack, they even managed to fuck that up. The tunes themselves aren’t terrible, but they’re slow and laggy, as if the system is really struggling to produce sound. What’s wrong, does it take too much of the VB’s power to render that sweet haircut of his?

Oh, and the sound effects can be harsh at times. So if your eyes don’t bleed, your ears certainly will.

I will admit. I am a glutton for punishment. And I do love the blood-red graphics of Virtual Boy games. It’s probably a result of this tumor I’ve developed from spending too much time glued to Nintendo’s biggest failure.

So yes, as much as I hate this game, playing anything on the Virtual Boy is enjoyable to me. As such, you may have a modicum of fun if you’re as crazy as I am.

Well, I did it. I finally reviewed Nester’s “Tell My Wife I Love Her,” Bowling. I hate it for how ordinary it is. I hate it for Nester’s shitty attitude. I hate it because the Virtual Boy had such a small number of games, I had to add it to my collection just to have a “library” of Virtual Boy games. Fortunately I got it for free, which is the only way you should obtain Nester’s Funky Bowling.

This game is in no way worth the brain damage you’re likely to suffer after prolonged exposure to the burning red graphics.

Did you have a similar harrowing experience while playing Nester’s Funky Bowling? Let the healing begin in the comments section below.