tv

The Secret Life of the American Teenager (2008 – 2013)

It’s difficult to fathom how a show which so blatantly espoused blind traditionalist views made it onto TV in the late 2000’s…

If there’s one thing I’ve learned during this age of DVDs, DVRs, and dirt-cheap streaming services, it’s that I’m perfectly capable of watching bad TV; it’s boring TV that I absolutely can’t abide. The Secret Life of the American Teenager was awful for any number of reasons, but one thing’s for sure, it was never boring.

Now ABC Family (the channel that aired Secret Life) may not be known for its liberal programming, but it does a relatively decent job of trying to bring today’s family into today’s world.  It airs family programming that realistically depicts the world we live in rather than creating a completely sanitary bubble.  And it’s for this reason why a show like Secret Life is so confounding.

The show revolves around a teenage pregnancy and the lives it affects both directly and indirectly, so there’s already a built in anti-sex message.  The problem is that the show makes sex out to be comparable to murder:  if you have sex you will get pregnant and you will catch a disease and you must marry whomever.  Not once is sex described as a fun and pleasurable experience.  Instead, our characters are laden with guilt over sex and although seemingly not mature enough to handle sex itself, are mature enough for long-winded and introspective conversations about why they should or shouldn’t be doing it.  Part of it is the magic of television at work, but part of it is idiocy.

It’s as if the makers wanted to ensure that no one, nowhere, at any time, ever enjoyed sex so as to never condone it to viewers.  Our lead character, Amy, gets pregnant the very first time she has sex…ok, it happens…but then, her on-and-off boyfriend Ben has sex for his very first time and gets a girl pregnant.  Oh, and it was because the condom broke.  I’ve had sex hundreds of times, and granted condoms weren’t used in all of them, but of the ones they were, I’ve had exactly 2 break, and that’s because they weren’t put on properly.  Furthermore, the character Jack, who mostly engages in one-way oral sex with this one girl (Madison) strangely ends up with some kind of STI.

This doesn’t even account for all the relationships that sex outright ruins.  Now I won’t deny that teenage sex can ruin a young relationship, but it doesn’t happen right away, and people normally don’t have such conflicting feelings about it.  Teenagers simply don’t think (or act) like this.  Some of our characters can’t do anything but talk about having sex all the time, while others can’t do anything except talk about not having sex all the time.

Besides sex having the most serious of repercussions every single time, I find it ironic that the show was called The Secret Life of the American Teenager.  There is nothing secret about these kids’ lives.  They literally tell their parents everything as well as each other.  When I hear something alluring like the “secret life” of the “American teenager” I think about all kinds of crazy shit: intravenous drug usage, promiscuous sex (despite all the mentions of sex on the show, most of the characters don’t even have that many sexual partners throughout the show’s run), maybe even some full on criminal activity like boosting cars or some kind of internet fraud…all under the unsuspecting noses of their parents.  Instead, we have what amounts to an After School Special, with an unrealistic degree of honesty and openness between teens and their parents.

One of the most awkward and preposterous moments of the entire series.

We also have a weird string of old-school, post-war traditionalism running through the show, despite the fact that most of these kids’ parents would be at least 1, maybe 2 generations removed from the unwavering values of the 1950’s.  During the 2 pregnancies that arise during the show, there is immediate talk of marriage between the two parties, with no mentions of actual love.  It’s all about “duty,” “honor,” “devotion,” and “doing the right thing.”  Why can’t anyone stand up and say that an unhappy marriage is no environment for a child?  Both the parents of the teens and the teens seem to seriously ponder marriage as a sort of solution, sometimes even insisting upon it as if it’s the only right thing to do – especially in the case of Ben and Adrian’s pregnancy.

Why would a show these days so flagrantly regress to this idea of having to pay for 30 seconds of sex with a lifetime of misery?  This idea persists throughout several seasons, even culminating in the marriage of Ben and Adrian, but thankfully Ben finally steps up and says what we’ve all been thinking.  Everyone seems to agree and applaud him for his insight, but why it took so long to come to this conclusion (for all parties involved!) is beyond me.

Abortion is, of course, an extremely touchy issue, but it’s a topic that has to come up if you’re going to talk about teen pregnancy.  It’s handled in a very strange manner, whispered in hushed voices and behind closed doors.  Whenever anyone mentions the option in earnest it’s quickly shot down, and the offender is often shamed and ridiculed for even thinking of such a thing.  Popular culture may not be ready to handle abortion as a definitive solution (though they’re getting closer) and I think that an honest conversation is warranted in any case, but why it is considered so awful at its mere mention is a little disturbing.  If you’re pregnant at 14 or 15 from only having sex once with a guy you barely know, the solution seems painfully clear: have the abortion, realize it’s the best thing for all those involved, and get the hell on with your life.  Sure, it may be an unnerving thought, but when weighed against the alternative, the choice seems clear.

Secret Life also suffered from stiff acting, amateur characterization, atrocious dialog, and multiple bizarre (sometimes pointless) plot contrivances, though all of this was easily overshadowed by its rigid adherence to an outdated moral compass that doesn’t really work in this day and age.  I’m not sure what the creators were thinking (it included some of those previously involved with 7th Heaven); maybe they wanted to get back to these traditionalist values without leaning too heavily on Christianity.  Now there’s nothing wrong with putting a certain point of view out there, regardless of whether I (or anyone else) agree with it or not.  The problem is how forced and unnatural it all feels.   I mean of all people, generally speaking, teenagers are the most progressive, often to the point of idyllic naivete. You wouldn’t think that they’d get things like love and sex all tangled up – two concepts that our culture is rapidly separating from generation to generation.

I guess one of the worst parts is what a bleak portrait Secret Life paints when it comes to teenage sexuality, doing little more than to suggest that teens are too young and the sex and love are mutually exclusive.  It would’ve been one thing if these kids were irresponsible, but most of these kids were good kids – really good kids.  They owned up to their mistakes, took responsibility for their actions, apologized when they were wrong, and generally didn’t engage in all that much self-serving behavior, or if they did, they quickly “came to their senses” due to encouraging words from their parents or their own realization of their selfishness.  It takes teenagers years to learn these things, largely through the interactions between other teens, not a few wise words from a parent. Being selfish is part of being a teenager, and it doesn’t mean they’re malicious.  But these kids aren’t even your average teens, and yet they are punished relentlessly for simply wanting to experiment with their urges and feelings.

So, should you watch Secret Life?  I can’t give it a glowing recommendation, though I will say it kept me interested, and I guess in a way entertained.  The acting is a chore to sit through at times, but it’s almost worth watching because of how unbelievable it is.  But hey, if you’ve got time to kill and need a few seasons of TV to tide you over, you might just get a strange “love to hate it” kick out of Secret Life.  And if you do, be sure to stop back by here and let me know what you think!

Written by The Cubist