Platform: Nintendo Entertainment System

Developer: Imagineering, Inc.

Publisher: THQ

Release Date (NA): November, 1993

Genre: Platformer

Nerd Rating: 2 out of 10

Ahhh! Oh god! What day is it? Is it still 2015? Hopefully I haven’t lost too much time.

I’m in a haze. Groping around my brain for recent memories…I remember…a controller.

Yes, that’s it!

There was a Nintendo controller. Dog bone. And a Nintendo at the other end of it.

The TV was on too. But what…what was that offensive picture blaring from the screen, burning unpleasant images into my retinae. That…that thing inside my top loader.

I see yellow…a yellow label. Yes, it’s getting clearer. A tune is running its course through my harrowed brain. It’s all coming back to me now.

The Ren and Stimpy Show Buckeroos

I think I’m gonna be sick.

(For some reason I was putting off playing this game. I should listen to my gut more often.)

The Ren and Stimpy Show Buckeroos and I have a little history. This was the last Nintendo cart I received as a kid before I sold my original collection. Was this the reason I sold it? The game that ruined video games for me forever?

I don’t think so. But I also don’t remember liking it very much.

I recently ran across this…*ahem* gem, and in an effort to regain my childhood collection, decided to yield my ill-fated dollars to this squarish turd. Nostalgia won this time as I fantasized about the rush of memories I’d relive with a game I haven’t played in 14 years. There was certainly a rush, but it had more to do with what I ate earlier that day than nostalgia.

Boy. Does this game suck. Even my younger self, who would just as soon enjoy cradling a controller plugged into a rock as anything else, knew this game was bollocks. I mean, younger me liked Bill and Ted’s Excellent Video Game Adventure and Beetlejuice, for crying out loud. That’s saying something.

I don’t even really want to review this because it’s so bad it cannot be easily assessed. Just avoid it, okay? Avoid it like you would a vending machine tuna sandwich. Like you would gas station sushi. Like you would avoid Florida during the summer.

…

What.

Really?

Do you really want to know more?

Okay, fine.

Let’s just begin with the fact that The Ren and Stimpy Show Buckaroos came out in 1993. Okay? Have you thoroughly grasped this concept with every fiber of your brain? Because this game looks like ass. And not the good kind of ass.

Both Ren and Stimpy look like pixelated nightmares of themselves. Sprites are a mangled mess, items are impossible to discern, and to top it all off, the animation is stiff.

Come to think of it, this whole game is stiff. The controls are stiff. Your characters are stiff. The enemies are stiff. The glass of whiskey you’ll need to get you through this game is stiff.

You start off on something like an escort mission. You have to goad the stubborn Ren past some sort of transport beam in order to enter the door to the next level. Why? I don’t know. You, however, as Stimpy are not able to pass this transporter without being swept away into a space shooter minigame. This part is tedious. It’s not hard, but just a big ol’ pain in the ass. You loop endlessly until a group of enemies are destroyed, you cannot fly all the way to the bottom of the screen, and of course the controls are…what’s the word of the day, kids?

“STIFF!”

Thank you. The ship is stiff.

Once you’ve made it past that slow, boring, and unchallenging interruption, you return to the level only to discover that – hey, there’s the door! Well that was fast.

But don’t get your hopes too high, because the stages after this are long. And drawn out.

Next you’re in the wild west or something, where you have the misfortune of playing as Ren. If you touch Stimpy’s wanted poster you’ll revert back to the only functional character of the pair.

The biggest hazard in this level is Ren’s wanted poster, because god forbid you switch over to this cantankerous chihuahua. His attack is a sorry slap, as opposed to Stimpy’s projectile vomit, or hairball, or whatever. This slap makes your struggle to progress even greater as you will have to be right up in an enemy’s face in order to inflict damage. Sometimes it’s futile. And other than attacks I don’t see any difference between the two characters, so avoid Ren at all costs!

You can collect weapons (if you can even make out what they’re supposed to be) but there’s no point. Not only does Stimpy possess an attack that is about as efficient as this game is capable, but they’re so limited that your stock will run out before enemies do. And the enemies will spawn like bunnies. This sort of thing works in Mega Man because you are able to use timing and skill to blast your way out of a situation – not to mention the blue bomber is equipped with an effective weapon and decent controls.

These enemies are just numerous and get in the way, with patterns that don’t really make sense.

Anyway, to get back on track, after the wild west you’re “Robin Höek” in some old village or something. And that’s as far as my patience would allow me to go. But rest assured, I’m pretty certain The Ren and Stimpy Show Buckaroos doesn’t turn into a Zelda or Castlevania game after this one critical level.

(Sorry, no screenshots for “Robin Höek.” In order to do that I’d have to play this game again on an emulator, which I’m not going to do, so for this review you’ll have to settle for the best pictures Google had to offer.)

As you get to the end, or the middle, or wherever I was in that stage, you have to bounce your way up awnings to reach the highest point of the building and then walk across a clothes line. This is where the shittiness of the controls really shines. You’ll begin to see all the faults as you try to run and jump, stop unwillingly, fall off… Oh, and that reminds me.

Remember how in Beetlejuice I said that if you fall and the screen isn’t showing the ground you die? Well, sometimes that happens here. But you won’t know until it’s too late. And what’s worse, the game actually encourages you to do this! You’ll find items that you’ll blindly want to jump off and collect in a row, but nope! Every now and then if the screen doesn’t keep up with you, without warning, you’re finished. Well isn’t that real nice of this game?

God! This review is pissing me off! And it should be pissing you off too!

Anyhoo, where was I? It’s seriously hard to keep track of my thoughts, that’s how much is wrong with this game.

Okay. It’s not unplayable. It’s somewhat functional. But here’s the problem – this is not inherently a difficult game. It’s hard because it’s poorly designed with bogus controls. Many times enemies are near impossible to see because some are small and blend in with that garbled disaster of a background. Sometimes, out of nowhere, adverse objects will rain upon you. And what’s worse, by the third level you’re forced to play as Ren, so good luck!

The enemies don’t make sense. One minute you’ll be up against a…log? Like the thing made by Blammo? And then next you’ll be fighting tumbleweeds, floating hats…a bowling ball? What the hell is this? The opposing forces in this game are careless creations – surely the result of some anxious designer translating the first random thought that crosses their mind into an enemy.

Everything about this game feels lazy. It looks shoddy, plays uncomfortably, sounds disastrous…

Oh yeah. The music. It’s depressing. And you know what? There’s actually music from the show here. How do you fuck that up? I dunno, but apparently the developers processed it using the NES shit tuner. It’s dreary. Like this game.

I’m probably making The Ren and Stimpy Show Buckeroos out to be worse than it is, but really, this is by no stretch of the imagination a fun game. It’s more boring than spending a day at a retirement home. It’s poorly made. It doesn’t look good. While all aspects of this game may not be the worst of their kind, The Ren and Stimpy Show Buckeroos falls short in every way. If someone were to pin me down and force me to name one good thing about The Ren and Stimpy Show Buckeroos I’d begrudgingly blurt “The music,” but like I said before even that is horrible.

The Ren and Stimpy Show Buckeroos?  More like SUCKeroos.

I’m sure there’s more I can say about this game but I don’t want to abuse myself any further. And if you really want to know more…if you’re still uncertain as to whether or not you will play The Ren and Stimpy Show Buckeroos and are expecting additional information from me before you arrive at your final decision…

You can go fuck yourself.

Cheers!