Platform: Nintendo DS

 Developer: Altron

 Publisher: THQ

 Release Date: July 7th, 2006

 Genre: Action-adventure

 Nerd Rating: 3 out of 10!

What is a game based on a movie if the game completely rewrites certain parts of the movie? I’m not entirely sure what it is to be completely honest, but maybe we should ask Altron, developer of Alex Rider: Stormbreaker for the Nintendo DS. Possibly even a better question would be what is THQ doing publishing terrible games like this? I feel like I should be paid for the hour or so it took to play this game.

First things first: the game is ugly. Even though this was released in 2006, the graphics feel dated far past those of 2006. For example, Mario Kart DS has beautiful graphics compared to Alex Rider: Stormbreaker and was released in 2005. In no way do graphics make or break a game, as evident in games like Minecraft, but the graphics could potentially scare people away from this game and with good reason.

As previously mentioned, Alex Rider: Stormbreaker tries to rewrite parts of the book and film, all the way down to the characters’ hair color and characters that don’t show up until movies later. I enjoyed the book as a child, which is the only reason I even bought this game, and it’s insulting to the Alex Rider fan base that the game tries to change what it is modeled after. I even hated this game as a child, which is why I am only completing it now.

Alex Rider: Stormbreaker is short, and that is not an exaggeration. I completed the game in under an hour and there is absolutely no replay value. I sadly cannot remember how much I paid for this game, but I am hoping it is not much, because it’s not worth much of anything at all.

Cutscenes are even too much to ask for in Alex Rider: Stormbreaker. The cutscenes in this game are simply pictures from the movie on the top screen and dialog on the bottom screens,not to mention the game has absolutely no voice acting whatsoever. They didn’t even take the time to voice the cutscenes. I find it quite funny that the pictures used in the cutscenes even contradict the game in some ways like the fact that they show the main character with blonde hair while he has brown hair in much of the game.

By far, the best part of the game is the soundtrack. The menu music and even the in-game music is quite fitting and nice, though it tends to get quite repetitive and boring. I also need to mention that your character’s movement makes annoying little sounds that play over the music which lowers the quality of the best part of the game.

The gameplay of Alex Rider: Stormbreaker is a funny joke, I hope. I highly doubt they meant for it to be a joke, but that’s basically what it is. The character looks extremely silly while running, and it uses up his stamina. In possibly the worst development choice I have ever seen, all your fighting requires stamina too, so if you dare run before a unexpected fight, you will stop in the middle of the fight and just take a lot of damage while you slowly regain stamina. This severely makes the combat worse, and it’s not even good to begin with as it is simply boring.

The mini-games in Alex Rider: Stormbreaker remind me of the terrible racing games you play in those plug-in-play video games in which you plug the controller into the TV. You know, those games you played when you were a child and had absolutely nothing better to do. Most of the mini-games required driving and avoiding obstacles, though some included stalking somebody without being seen and even blowing into your DS (which I’ve always had issues with in any game).

I cannot in any way recommend this game, even if you are the biggest fan of the series in the entire world. Alex Rider: Stormbreaker is a terrible “game,” and now that I have finally beaten it and reviewed it, I cannot wait to get rid of it as it is a disrespect to my collection to even own it. I would personally feel bad if I gave this game as a gift to anyone, and if anyone gave it to you as a gift, just be aware that they secretly hate you. THQ, I would apologize for publishing this if I was you, but that’s just me.

Written by Nerd Bacon