Platform: 3DO Interactive Multiplayer

Developer: Vivid Interactive

Publisher: Vivid Interactive

Release Date (NA): 1994

Genre: FMV ,”Puzzle”

Nerd Rating: 1 out of 10

Note: The “game” discussed in this review was played on a 3DO emulator. Mostly because I’d be really fucking embarrassed to actually purchase this shit, especially for the price it’s currently going at online (~$70).

Ugh.

Don’t let the lettered icons mislead you, they’re all the same boring jigsaw puzzle.

The single phrase uttered when I finally got this piece of ass game to work on my 3DO emulator. And not the “ugh” that most people seem to expect when it comes to porn, but the “ugh” that specifically comes with playing a Vivid Interactive “porn” “game.”

I use both porn and game when it comes to Vivid pretty loosely because, let’s be honest here, Vivid’s porn AND their games suck incredible amounts of ass (and not the good ass either). And the worst thing Vivid could do was to put both of their incredible ass ventures together and make an actual “porn game.” That’s what Mind Teazzer is, or is supposed to be.

The only thing being teased is my tolerance of this game.

Mind Teazzer is supposed to be a puzzle game, in case the cheesy title didn’t give it away already. Of course, nothing about this game could tease a four year old child. Not only are the jigsaw puzzles presented in the “game” incredibly unfun, the “porn” clips presented afterwards are just as bad.

If it weren’t cheesy enough, you’re also presented with some incredibly corny narration during the entire thing along with some weird dude who says “good” every time you match a piece and “try again” whenever you put one in the wrong spot.

The porn part summed up.

Mind Teazzer‘s incredibly generic ’90s music, which seems to be a 30 seconds long, is infinitely looped in order to achieve maximum suicidal ideation. It’s so terrible that even my puppy kept crying until I muted it. Actually, my puppy cried until I closed out the entire application and hugged him.

With twelve “puzzles” to choose from, you’ll either be bored of Mind Teazzer‘s shit within minutes, or already be putting the finishing touches on your will. However, if by some mistake you actually like Vivid, just know that none of the face icons match the “puzzles” or clips, so have fun looking for your favorite actress.

That’s it for the final Vivid Interactive game I’ll ever have to play. If you happen to be a real masochist, Nerd Bacon has a list of the other Vivid titles that I put up with to review. But most importantly, let’s all take a moment to thank Vivid for stopping when they did, because the gaming industry doesn’t need any more turds.

Now I need to take a very long bath, preferably with a nice bottle of wine to drown my sorrows of having played this crappy ass game in. Then, maybe we can talk about some actually decent games on the 3DO……or not…