Platform: Atari Jaguar

Developer: Williams Entertainment Inc.

Publisher: Telegames

Release Date (NA): 1995

Genre: Sports Games

Nerd Rating: 1 out of 10

You know, I would just like to say that my Atari Jaguar has quite the propensity for collecting dust, as if it were some sort of magnet. Weird. It’s almost as if I never have any real reason for playing this thing.

Hmm, I wonder why?

Oh, perhaps games such as International Sensible Soccer? Yeah, after playing this turd and a half, I remembered why I don’t allow the Jaguar to see the light of day.

Let’s not waste any time here. This game is undeserving of any sort of build up.

The first thing that jumps out at me is the slippery menu screen. You have to tap the D-pad ever so gently, or else the selection bar will dash right over the item you wish to choose. I don’t know why picking anything from the menu should be so finicky, but perhaps that’s an indication of what’s to come.

It is.

So you select Cup. If you’re not a big follower of Soccer then the available options and selections probably won’t make sense to you. If you do keep up with Soccer (or Football, as it’s known everywhere else in the world) then perhaps you will know what’s going on. I can’t tell you myself though, I’m not a big fan of sports. BUT, what I can tell you is that after you make all your selections, pick teams and whatnot, you’ll be surprised to see that…there’s no game.

What? For real?

Yes. It’s some sort of theoretical cup that is seemingly determined inside the cart. Maybe there’s more to it, I dunno. There are plenty of options and settings that’ll go over any casual player’s head while possibly satisfy the enthusiasts, but really…why would anybody want this? You get about as much entertainment out of sitting in your room in nothing but those tighty-whities that have survived many scores of the brown plague, flipping a coin like a dumb ass and tallying the score for kicks. Great game. Real top-notch work here.

But wait! It gets better!

So it turns out that if you actually want to play International Sensible Soccer…get this. You have to select one of the teams twice. The default setting for both teams is on AI. How was I supposed to know this? Maybe the manual tells you, I guess, but really? Do I need to consult a manual just to figure out I bought a game and not some $50-$60 virtual coin toss?

After playing the actual game you’ll find yourself wishing for that stupid auto-play mode. Or maybe just sitting in your own filth and shame, flipping a coin.

So, yeah, unfortunately I did figure this out, meaning I get to be treated to the misfortune that is playing this pox of a game. Well, here we go, time for the gameplay portion of this-

Oh God!

HAHAHAHAHAHA!!! What the hell are those derpy-looking fucks supposed to be?

Seriously? This game looks fucking awful! Is…is this really a 64-bit system? No, it can’t be. This looks like herpes. It’s so bad, so ugly. Really, what the hell? This would look like the worst efforts on a Sega Genesis or a Super Nintendo. Of course, International Sensible Soccer was ported to these 16-bit consoles outside of the US, but really? They couldn’t apply any sort of cosmetic update?

If you want to travel back in time to 1991, this is the game for you. Otherwise…oh Christ I haven’t even started playing yet.

Yup. Look at that. You’ve got ants on the field.

No, not ants. Those are supposed to be people. Okay, apparently we’ve time-traveled again to 1987…NES. The backgrounds are beyond 8-bit hardware, and perhaps the color pallet offers more than an NES could at one time, but those little blips on the screen could easily be carried on the original Nintendo, no doubt. What’s next, will International Sensible Soccer take us on a fantastic voyage back to the 70’s when the Jaguar’s forefather, the 2600 was king? Yes, I am spending a lot of time harping on the despicable graphics, but can you blame me? This is a sham for a console that has the nerve to claim “64-bit” anything. And besides, if I didn’t take my time delineating just how pathetic this game looked, my review would probably be a few paragraphs. Really, there’s not much to the actual gameplay.

When you jump in you’ll notice that movement is erratic and jerky, which if you paid attention to the slippery selection bar in the menu, you should have foreseen the spasmodic gameplay ahead. You’ll barely know what’s going on. One moment you have the ball (at least you’ll think you do?) and then the next moment the other team has the ball. Or maybe it’s you. No, the game isn’t QUITE that disorienting, but you’ll certainly feel this way the first few moments into it.

Things just happen. And everything happens so fast your eyes will soon fatigue just like your interest in…not setting the console on fire. I don’t think you can run but I honestly don’t know. Half the time I don’t even feel like I’m in control. And I’m pretty certain you have no command over the goalie. Overall you have very little influence as to what happens. I honestly can’t go all that in-depth because I find it that unplayable.

Oh, hey. Something just happened.

I don’t know what, though.

This fucking blight on video gaming is so disorienting. It’s no wonder the programmers set the default to CPU vs. CPU. They knew. They were probably too embarrassed and ashamed to show this abomination.

Should I even comment on the music? You actually have to select an option for a menu track. What’s the point? Am I going to linger here so long, delaying the inevitable while listening to some righteous tune?

And once the game starts there’s only the dismal sound of a disjointed, looping crowd, chanting some unintelligible garble. The opening track is kinda good, but just like the visual aspect of International Sensible Soccer, it sounds like a 16-bit game.

International Sensible Soccer and others like it is the reason I feel sometimes like I want to gut my Jaguar and turn it into dental equipment. No, I’m not joking. Atari Jaguars were later used for dental equipment. Don’t believe me? Look it up.

There, see? And the connection is clear. Playing the Jaguar and going to the dentist are both activities that will likely result in unendurable pain.

If you have this game then good luck. You won’t have fun. The only moment you will enjoy is shoving this thing in the blender where it belongs.

I almost didn’t bother reviewing International Sensible Soccer after I first took it for a spin because I thought it was just too damn awful. It’s hardly functional, it looks terrible – how do you review something like this without simply spewing vitriol? But I did it anyway. I had to. It’s my duty as a reviewer to warn you naïve souls out there. Avoid this game at all costs, unless maybe you’re a hardcore soccer fan. This is more a rant than a review, but hopefully you can glean the necessary information simply from my frustration and the little information I am able to include.

There is NOTHING sensible about this unholy abomination.

If this game possesses any merits, I cannot see them through the layers of fault piled on.  Apparently this series does have a cult following by soccer enthusiasts. I’m sorry but I personally don’t get it.