Platform: Nintendo Game Boy

Developer: Nintendo R&D1

Publisher: Nintendo

Release Date (NA): March 13, 1994

Genre: Platformer

Nerd Rating: 8 out of 10

Talk about a trip down memory lane! Having recently stumbled upon my original 90s copy of Wario Land: Super Mario Land 3, I was stricken with a nostalgic itch. Ya know… The kind of itch us nerds with ADHD get. Four AA batteries magically appeared, I shoved them into this giant gray brick known as a Game Boy, and I proceeded to DESTROY KITCHEN ISLAND AND EVERY PIRATE AND WEIRD ANIMAL-THING AROUND. Wario Land is the renowned Game Boy game in the Super Mario Land series that kicked off the Wario Land franchise. It is also known as that awesome game that I’ll always remember. Or so I thought… Before we get into that, let’s see what Wario Land is all about.

The Story

Wario Land picks up where Super Mario Land 2 left off with Wario being banished from Mario’s castle. Now, on his own, he sets out to Kitchen Island to find a golden statue of Princess Toadstool. Unfortunately for Wario, the statue has been stolen by Captain Syrup of the Black Sugar Gang. In an effort to recover the statue, Wario takes on the Captain’s pirate crew, defeating them and stealing their treasures, and eventually defeating Captain Syrup. At the conclusion of the game, Mario steals the statue like a little douche. In the end, the riches that Wario collected throughout the game are traded for winnings such as a birdhouse or a moon (source: Mariowiki.com – Disclaimer: I haven’t beaten the game since the mid 90s).

Do You Even Platform, Bro?

Evidently my memories of Wario Land serve to deceive me. The flashbacks of being in the backseat of my parent’s cars while ramming Wario into bad guys in my gaming world are what consumed me enough to play it today. It was non-stop with this game, and Donkey Kong Country 2, and some Kirby game. Fast-forward to today, and the excitement eludes me as I try to muster up some motivation to keep playing past the first few levels. Fully aware of the technical limitations of this handheld machine, I curb my feelings of disappointment and boredom. For as long as I can, that is. Eventually I succumb to its undeniable and unshakable flaw, the one thing that just cannot be overlooked: Wario Land is so……… damn…….. slow………..

Wario putters around this maze-like “island” with the speed of blackstrap molasses dripping off a southern biscuit. For you northerners: that’s slow. And I love molasses on a biscuit. It’s the perfect combination of robust roasted flavor on a toasted-top salty bread. But in Wario Land, the combination is not so good. The constant gathering of coins feels trivial and monotonous. The stages share nary a resemblance of “platforming,” feeling much more like a linear adventure where one must gather something and reach the end before time runs out. The stages lack some depth, but not for lack of effort – remember this was a 1994 game on the Game Boy. The utilization of different caps is reminiscent of Super Mario Bros 3, but very unique to Wario.

To make matters worse, Wario’s puttering, as mentioned in the above paragraph, really adds to the lackluster pacing. In most levels, you will find yourself holding the right-directional button for many many seconds just slow-walking your way from one area of the stage to the next. Large areas of the stage void of enemies, blocks, and platforms amount to a void of action and thrills. This mundane feeling of only wanting to finish the level for the sake of finishing-what-you-started is no way to live.

Conclusion

Overall, Wario Land: Super Mario Land 3 is a more-than-worthy kickoff game for the Wario Land franchise. Like most games of the era, subsequent releases are almost always superior to their predecessor, thanks in no small part to improved technology and having a chance to utilize user-feedback. Perhaps I’m being overly harsh considering Wario Land is now 25+ years old. But it is worth noting that some games hold the test of time and some do not. For 1994, Wario Land was absolutely great, although it’s not at all like I remember. Handhelds were truly in their infancy, despite four major players vying for the top spot. Spoiler alert: Nintendo nabbed the top spot, winning by a landslide. Wario Land’s graphics, sound effects, and music are far above average for a Game Boy game. The gameplay and design, however, are clearly dated.

Oddly enough, I find Wario Land’s predecessors, Super Mario Land 1 and 2 to be superior, delivering sound game mechanics and faster gameplay. Wario Land, for everything it accomplished as being a topseller on the Game Boy, is a sluggish affair not for gamers who like speed and variety. Regardless, it should not be overlooked for fans of the series. My colleague ZB, a wonderful review-writer, retro-aficionado, and good friend would punch me right in the face for tearing apart his beloved Wario. Check his take on Wario Land here!

Do I like the character? Sure.

Do I like Game Boy games? Yep.

Do I like Wario Land? Only a little. Despite my less-than-glowing review, I will rate Wario Land for its accomplishments of its time, and with that in consideration, it lands a top-tier Nerd Rating.

Nerd Rating: 8 out of 10

Reviewed by: Nerdberry